When I look back at my childhood, my teens and even my early twenties I see this kid that did not really have the balls to take on the challenges that life threw at him. My fragile ego kept me from developing my talents to there full potential thus me as a person. I was this timid and shy guy with not much self-confidence and certainly no womanizer. Had my first real girlfriend at a late age of 19, although my friends thought differently because of some made up stories. Those days I really had to be 100% in love and at ease with a lady to be able to have sex.
Through a friend at the gym where I worked out, I got me a job as a bouncer of a small disco. Because my character is quiet and friendly it might not have been the best suitable job. But this way I could work for two nights a week and pay for my study physiotherapy which I did during the day.
There I was, muscular with a sun bed tan so at least I was tough on the outside. Pleasant side-effect, I had the attention of many beautiful ladies. One night my colleague told me that he had found this pill that made him have very good sex. He did not use the pill with his wife but the more so with the ladies he had on the side. The pill, called Viagra, made sure that he performed like a Stallion every time. At that moment my mind projected these awesome images of me having…. well you can imagine.
Listening to the stories of my colleague and other new found friends I came to see it as a weakness not being able to perform with just any girl I wanted. Thought that the “social standard” of a real man was somebody who could do just that. Having sex with any girl is just not me, but my ego took over and realized that this was the opportunity to be more then I really was. Certainly me, the tough bouncer had to be able to perform whenever I wanted and I had enough girls offering.
It was fantastic! The first time I used Viagra, I took the pill at my house with a glass of water. I was told that I had to take it about 45 minutes before “the act”. Driving to her house I suddenly felt this “tingling” sensation in my body and something getting really hard inside my pants. Holy moly what the fu..? This was great! She opened the door and we went straight into the bedroom. I was hooked. Every time the same. I would take Viagra, my little friend grew bigger then big, pointing straight to heaven and me thinking Thank you lord….well not really ;-)
From then on I started every new relationship this way. Did the relationship last and things got more serious I stopped with the pills. Sometimes it happened that I was out of pills and that my colleague also could not get any. If I needed them the same day, in a tiny bit of panic I tried to get them from other “vague friends”.
One time I had met this woman that I really, really liked. We had dated for a while and tonight was the night, she was ready for the next step. So this night I definitely had to perform, this time I thought it was most important.
I was totally at ease because I knew that I would perform for sure. In the afternoon at home I wanted to put two pills in the pocket of my coat so I would definitely not forget them in the evening as we were supposed to meet at her house. To my terrible surprise, the drawer where I kept them was empty! What? I was so sure that I had one strip of pills left and there are 4 in a strip of pills. What? How was this possible? Again, a bit of panic!
Relax, breath, count to ten and focus on what to do. So I called my colleague but he did not have any and told me they were very hard to come by at the moment. He could not help me this time. Called another “vague friend” but he told me the same thing: hard to come by at the moment and could not help me. Well, panic increased. A lot!! There was not much time left until we were supposed to meet. Sweat outbreak.
I did not know what to do and so I rushed to the other side of town to find me a sex shop
And of course my fears became thru as they did not sell Viagra because it was illegal and you could only get it on a doctors prescription. So I bought all of kind of stuff that was supposed to increase potency. From Spanish Fly to Peruvian jungle herbs and a wonder potion out of Thailand.
Do you think it helped me in anyway? Well?
I hoped and hoped that the effects of the potions still had to “kick in”. Less then nothing!
Shit, as we were sitting at her couch, watching TV while cuddling I had to change my tactics and I came up with this:
Honey, I am so fond of you and I don’t want to screw up anything by taking the next step to fast. I believe that we can go for a long-term relationship and we have all the time that we want.
Do you think she liked that? Hell yeah!
Actually part of that was the truth but with my blue friend Viagra things would definitely not have gone like this. Everybody happy and I had found a new tactic for any future emergencies.
For years and years I have kept this up. Maybe even about 12 years.
But at some point in my life, probably because of all kinds of events that happened in my life, I became older (naturally) and wiser. I started to doubt my own thoughts, acts and total way of living.
One day I took a Viagra while leaving my house and as I was driving to a new girlfriend nothing happened inside my pants. Kissing her inside her house and still nothing happened. There was nothing reaching out for heaven, it was pointing at hell! Oh dear God, what was happening?
As we were making love in bed all my thoughts were concerning my dick instead of enjoying her wonderful company. Get up – Get up! And the more I thought this way, the more it seemed to shrink. What if she went with her hands down there, which would be a major turnoff! So many thoughts of panic while I was doing one of the nicest things on the planet! Before she could go down on me I decided to go down on her. Don’t know if I was any good at that because I had always been focused on myself, I guess. At least one good thing came out of this disaster, me focusing on the other.
Next time I tried two pills ones with another lady, result: An enormous headache and vomiting, but still nothing more then a shrimp in the pants.
The soft voice in my head telling me that I was at a dead end with this lifestyle grew stronger but I had real problems letting go. Still new women in my life, again Viagra. Sometimes a little success, most of the time more suffering.
You can imagine the daily impact it had on my thoughts. And my thoughts had a great impact on the way I felt thus on my energy level and total life. There I was with my beautiful body and so much attention of nice women. For what? What was the use? I was a total failure!
At that point I went for a long vacation abroad, on my own. I did bring one strip of Viagra with me and at first there were more disasters with women in the first week. I started to look at the internet to find all kinds of cures for my problem. Enormous expensive roots of some Thai plant or testosterone injections seemed to help. These prices and possible side effects!!
Somehow I found the strength to take my distance. Everyday I sat down in the sun and wrote for hours about my feelings and life in general. Tried to clarify my mind and make some sense out of what was happening.
Started to accept the situation and admitted that I had created this outcome myself. Me myself and I! For so many years I had put my trust in something outside myself, a pill. For so many years I had tried to be more then I really was. With listening to the voice of my ego instead of my soul I had maneuvered myself in a big mess.
To be honest, it had brought me a lot of relationships but never the one I wanted deep down inside. Quantity but no quality. To be philosophical, the inner battle that I always fought had manifested itself in my relationships with women. I had been the creator of the problems in my life!
My thoughts and attitude shifted to: it is what it is! Very annoying and even though I would have liked the situation to be 100% different, I will still be positive. If I can be positive in a situation like this, I can be positive in any situation. Let’s wait and see what good things this new attitude will bring me in a while! Because any situation, however bad it seems at first, if I deal with it strongly it always turns out for the good. That is a lesson I have already had to learn in my life.
What is left is the quiet honest boy I used to be, now in a somewhat older shell. Somewhere further on the road to self acceptance, knowing he needs more lifetimes to get there.
With this insight I gained a lot more compassion for the “weaknesses” of others, for I have all human flaws inside myself.
Maybe my most valuable lesson: If I don’t listen to my soul, my inner counselor as I call him, the problems will stack so high until I will be forced to listen.
Now, with a much less troubled mind, I have a positive impact on my feelings – my energy – my life and therefore on the life’s of others! Get rid of ego.
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