After an eight year relationship, my girlfriend and I broke up. We have a beautiful daughter who just turned six at that time. We grownups could not live with each other anymore but we both loved our daughter very much. So we had no problems at all in coming to an arrangement about dividing the time to spend with our daughter. We figured that our daughter should have the right and the possibility to see both parents as much as she wanted and therefore the deal was co parenting.
The adults did not love each other anymore but we never ever stopped wanting the best for everybody.
This was how I thought that these cases are handled but I was soon to find out that things can be very different.
Soon after my break up I fell head over heels in love with another woman. Looking back at things that wasn’t the smart thing to do as I now think people need time to recover from a relationship and a break up. Should take some rest, but that’s another story.
In “no time” we were living together and she even got pregnant despite of using contraceptive pills.
I was not ready for that! I thought about my daughter whom I dragged into a new adventure with me. On the other hand my girlfriend had told me that she never wanted to do an abortion again as she had one before and I was very much in love with her.
I did not listen to my inner voice that was screaming: you don’t want this! And so I agreed in having a baby.
Another beautiful little girl entered my life. And for half of the week she had a caring bigger (half) sister.
It was really nice to see the two kids together while their relationship was loving. A lot less loving was the relationship of the parents and when the girls had just turned two and ten, sadly there was another break up. I had made a big mess of my life as I now had two daughters in broken families!
In the assumption that the way to deal with a break up involving children should be like my former girlfriend and I handled it, I was very surprised as I now heard these words; you will never see your daughter again!
It’s the anger of the moment, were my first thoughts. Best to give her some time as she will come to her senses. I believe that we brought up the worst in each other as we both had done some ugly shit.
Unfortunately she did not come to her senses and the only way to see my daughter again was going to court and claim my time with her. They say there is a first time for everything and so for the first time in my life I had to stand in front of a judge. And what a “life lesson” this first time would turn out to be!
My lawyer and I had decided to focus on “family time”. Proving that all this time we had lived together and that I had done my part as a father. That I have another daughter whom I lovingly take care of, with a letter from her mother to prove it. We did not say anything about the my ex girlfriend, just tried to prove why I had as much right to take care of our daughter as she did.
The counterparty however handled a totally different approach because they wanted to prove that I was not a good person to be a father.
It is a fact that everybody sees the world in their own perspective. So there is no right or wrong, only different opinions.
But my jaw dropped wide open as they handed out some paperwork to the judge and my lawyer.
This paperwork contained many “facts” why I was not fit to be a father and therefore a danger for a proper education of our daughter.
I don’t think that I have ever felt a hurt like this before. As I looked at my ex girlfriend, she looked straight forward, I wondered how someone can go so far to get what they want. And this was not just anybody, she and I had really loved each other. This sense of injustice did not just make me angry, it made me want to cry. Right there I really felt that this person, who used to be my girlfriend, must deeply hate me to be able to do this. And I felt powerless as I could not defend myself.
What would the judge think, went through my mind? Well, we all got an immediate answer as she addressed the counterparty and said:
Some serious allegations I have just heard. I am not saying that these allegations are true or false. What I do want to see is prove for these allegations. Because some of them are such that you must have reported them to the police?!
A sigh of relief as I knew all these facts were fiction, at least to me. And they had nothing, no prove to support their allegations.
Soon after the judge enounced the verdict and I was awarded my rights as a father.
While driving home I started crying. Being falsely accused and not being able to defend myself made me feel terrible. But right there and then I made an important decision; Whatever people will say about me in the future, I won’t let it touch me. It can be their opinion, it is not the truth as I have my opinion!
So that day I learned a hard but very valuable lesson, as the best lessons often are.
Despite of the fact that I was awarded fatherhood that day, more lawsuits followed. Unfortunately in our (Netherlands) legal system a woman can frustrate justice when it comes to parenthood and spending time with your children. I have seen men battling for 10 years spending all they have and still end up with nothing. After 3,5 years of lawsuits, all won by me, I still had nothing and gave up.
I decided to go on as positive as possible with my other daughter who now lives with me almost every day of the week. Life has strange plans sometimes.
A destructive ego wins.
Not only do I miss my child, so does my daughter miss her little half sister, my parents miss their granddaughter and my family their niece.
What did the ego win?
I think this is a really sad story.
BeantwoordenVerwijderenReading your blog I can't help wondering: what makes you think the mother choose for ego? Was it ego? Does the mother also feels she has won ('a destructive ego wins')? Is it about winning? Why did you both choose for a battle like this? Is this battle about the child or just about another fight between the parents? Is this battle love?
Don't get me wrong, I think a child should see both parents. It's just so sad for the child.
Maybe when you both handle things in another way you and your family can sea your child again?
I'm sorry I'm not all about compliments.
Good luck!
I do not believe in coincidence, but do strongly believe that what goes around comes around. A very profound universal law. Being a child of divorced parents and went through the same as a child as your second daughter, my mother received her paybackcheck. Due to her actions she took in the past to keep us (me and my siblings)from our father, she now finds herself in a very lonely place and having a very disturbed relationship with all of her children. I decided to take actions years ago and wanted to meet my father after being deprived of any contact for 17 years!! With help from my stepmother, bless her heart, I got back in contact with him and decided to spend some time with him on Aruba for about 8 months! I never regretted this and still so grateful that we got back together. I now understand that we all do have our shortcomings and that we all are conditioned by circumstances. But it's still my duty to understand that we are who we are and accept it or not. If not, change!!! Ego is conditioned by all impressions we receive on a daily basis. We all have our paths of life. I decided just recently to contact my mother again after 8 years and try to make amends. With no strings attached, but knowing that this is something I have to do in order to go on with my life and whatever happens, I will respect, knowing that I did what I could do. You did what you could do Tom, but always have faith that with the actions you took, your daughter will recognise your efforts, like I did with my father. I not only got my father back, but a whole family!! I am a woman of faith and acknowledge that God sees every action we take. And know in your heart that you handled every act with the best motives! Bless you...Take care, Gwenny
BeantwoordenVerwijderenHey Gwenny
BeantwoordenVerwijderenWow, you have had your share of "family difficulties". Probably gave you a lot of wisdom, now you are older. You are so right indeed that we all have our shortcomings and I think it's good that you gave it your best to make amends.
I think that one day i will not only have my daughter back...maybe even have a "normal" relationship with her mother and family....keep the faith, like you do ;-)
Greetings
Hey anoniem
BeantwoordenVerwijderenYou are right that it was a battle. And the blog is not for compliments. I hope one day for everybody to learn from eachother as we share our stories. It's hard when someone takes something that you think is yours...So you battle to get what you think is right. Only nothing in life is "yours" and sometimes life goes its own way. Think about what you will do when someone just takes "your car".... "your house"....."your kid"... You will want it back because it has the label; "mine".
Back then I did not know another way of handling the situation. The only thing I can say now is that I probably won't get in a situation like that anymore.....Sending out another energy myself...