What kind of energy do YOU send into the world?

Pretending to be someone I am not made me send out a lot of negative energy, at that time unwittingly, into the world. It is like a stone you throw into a pool. The stone is the negative energy you put in and the circles become bigger and bigger. Then at some point the circles reach the end of the pool and start coming back at you! Most of the times these returning circles will be people crossing your path that gets you in a lot of trouble. These people are attracted by your energy, the person you are pretending to be. But not the real you! Never blame these people because it’s you who threw the stone and thus created your own life. Trying to maintain this way of living does cost you a lot of energy and can come with all sorts of illness and even worse, hard times for the people you love!

Extensive experience has taught me  that leading a life in which I did  listen to my ego and not my inner voice, the written above is sure to happen. I have lived it and that is why I put my trust in it to happen.

A very good thing is that I also put my trust in the opposite! Be very honest to yourself and others and life will bring you situations that do suit you. Dare to listen to your inner voice and the circles in the pool will again be people attracted by the energy you put into this world. Only this time it is your energy! Be totally yourself, with all your insecurities and connect with others is the important lesson. Insecurity can make you withdraw in your own little world, staying away from other people, afraid to get hurt. Connect with others as they are the energy that guides you on your way! Other people will point you in the right direction, don’t miss out on all the opportunities.  

You don’t have to “achieve” anything in life, don’t try to control life. Let life control you and go with the flow, bend with the wind.  Don’t put so much pressure on yourself in chasing “social standards”.

Only think about what kind of energy you send into the world and really trust in the fact that all situations in your life are there for the right reason!

Is your ego more important then your child?

After an eight year relationship, my girlfriend and I broke up. We have a beautiful daughter who just turned six at that time. We grownups could not live with each other anymore but we both loved our daughter very much.  So we had no problems at all in coming to an arrangement about dividing the time to spend with our daughter. We figured that our daughter should have the right and the possibility to see both parents as much as she wanted and therefore the deal was co parenting.

The adults did not love each other anymore but we never ever stopped wanting the best for everybody.

This was how I thought that these cases are handled but I was soon to find out that things can be very different.

Soon after my break up I fell head over heels in love with another woman. Looking back at things that wasn’t the smart thing to do as I now think people need time to recover from a relationship and a break up. Should take some rest, but that’s another story.

In “no time” we were living together and she even got pregnant despite of using contraceptive pills.

I was not ready for that! I thought about my daughter whom I dragged into a new adventure with me. On the other hand my girlfriend had told me that she never wanted to do an abortion again as she had one before and I was very much in love with her.

I did not listen to my inner voice that was screaming: you don’t want this! And so I agreed in having a baby.

Another beautiful little girl entered my life. And for half of the week she had a caring bigger (half) sister.

It was really nice to see the two kids together while their relationship was loving. A lot less loving was the relationship of the parents and when the girls had just turned two and ten, sadly there was another break up.  I had made a big mess of my life as I now had two daughters in broken families!

In the assumption that the way to deal with a break up involving children should be like my former girlfriend and I handled it, I was very surprised as I now heard these words; you will never see your daughter again!

It’s the anger of the moment, were my first thoughts. Best to give her some time as she will come to her senses.  I believe that we brought up the worst in each other as we both had done some ugly shit.  

Unfortunately she did not come to her senses and the only way to see my daughter again was going to court and claim my time with her.  They say there is a first time for everything and so for the first time in my life I had to stand in front of a judge. And what a “life lesson” this first time would turn out to be!

My lawyer and I had decided to focus on “family time”.  Proving that all this time we had lived together and that I had done my part as a father. That I have another daughter whom I lovingly take care of, with a letter from her mother to prove it. We did not say anything about the my ex girlfriend, just tried to prove why I had as much right to take care of our daughter as she did.

The counterparty however handled a totally different approach because they wanted to prove that I was not a good person to be a father.

It is a fact that everybody sees the world in their own perspective. So there is no right or wrong, only different opinions.

But my jaw dropped wide open as they handed out some paperwork to the judge and my lawyer.

This paperwork contained many “facts” why I was not fit to be a father and therefore a danger for a proper education of our daughter.

I don’t think that I have ever felt a hurt like this before. As I looked at my ex girlfriend, she looked straight forward, I wondered how someone can go so far to get what they want. And this was not just anybody, she and I had really loved each other. This sense of injustice did not just make me angry, it made me want to cry. Right there I really felt that this person, who used to be my girlfriend, must deeply hate me to be able to do this. And I felt powerless as I could not defend myself.

What would the judge think, went through my mind? Well, we all got an immediate answer as she addressed the counterparty and said:

Some serious allegations I have just heard.  I am not saying that these allegations are true or false. What I do want to see is prove for these allegations. Because some of them are such that you must have reported them to the police?!

A sigh of relief as I knew all these facts were fiction, at least to me. And they had nothing, no prove to support their allegations.

Soon after the judge enounced the verdict and I was awarded my rights as a father.

While driving home I started crying. Being falsely accused and not being able to defend myself made me feel terrible. But right there and then I made an important decision; Whatever people will say about me in the future, I won’t let it touch me. It can be their opinion, it is not the truth as I have my opinion!

So that day I learned a hard but very valuable lesson, as the best lessons often are.

Despite of the fact that I was awarded fatherhood that day, more lawsuits followed. Unfortunately in our (Netherlands) legal system a woman can frustrate justice when it comes to parenthood and spending time with your children. I have seen men battling for 10 years spending all they have and still end up with nothing. After 3,5 years of lawsuits, all won by me, I still had nothing and gave up.

I decided to go on as positive as possible with my other daughter who now lives with me almost every day of the week. Life has strange plans sometimes.

A destructive ego wins.

Not only do I miss my child, so does my daughter miss her little half sister, my parents miss their granddaughter and my family their niece.

What did the ego win?

That is what I got for claiming to be a sex God

When I look back at my childhood, my teens and even my early twenties I see this kid that did not really have the balls to take on the challenges that life threw at him. My fragile ego kept me from developing my talents to there full potential thus me as a person. I was this timid and shy guy with not much self-confidence and certainly no womanizer.  Had my first real girlfriend at a late age of 19, although my friends thought differently because of some made up stories.  Those days  I really had to be 100% in love and at ease with a lady to be able to have sex.

Through a friend at the gym where I worked out, I got me a job as a bouncer of a small disco. Because my character is quiet and friendly it might not have been the best suitable job. But this way I could work for two nights a week and pay for my study physiotherapy which I did during the day.  

There I was, muscular with a sun bed tan so at least I was tough on the outside.  Pleasant side-effect,   I had the attention of many beautiful ladies.  One night my colleague told me that he had found this pill that made him have very good sex. He did not use the pill with his wife but the more so with the ladies he had on the side. The pill, called Viagra, made sure that he performed like a Stallion every time. At that moment my mind projected these awesome images of me having…. well you can imagine.

Listening to the stories of my colleague and other new found friends I came  to see it as a weakness not being able to perform with just any girl I wanted.  Thought that the “social standard” of a real man was somebody who could do just that. Having sex with any girl is just not me, but my ego took over  and realized that this was the opportunity to be more then I really was. Certainly me, the tough bouncer had to be able to perform whenever I wanted and I had enough girls offering.

It was fantastic! The first time I used Viagra, I took the pill at my house with a glass of water. I was told that I had to take it about 45 minutes before “the act”.  Driving to her house I suddenly felt this “tingling” sensation in my body and something getting really hard inside my pants. Holy moly what the fu..? This was great! She opened the door and we went straight into the bedroom.  I was hooked. Every time the same. I would take Viagra, my little friend grew bigger then big, pointing straight  to heaven and me thinking Thank you lord….well not really ;-)

From then on I started every new relationship this way. Did the relationship last and things got more serious I stopped with the pills. Sometimes it happened that I was out of pills and that my colleague also could not get any. If I needed them the same day, in a tiny bit of panic I tried to get them from other “vague friends”.

One time I had met this woman that I really, really liked. We had dated for a while and tonight was the night, she was ready for the next step. So this night I definitely had to perform, this time I thought it was most important.

I was totally at ease because I knew that I would perform for sure. In the afternoon at home I wanted to put two pills in the pocket of my coat so I would definitely not forget them in the evening as we were supposed to meet at her house. To my terrible surprise, the drawer where I kept them was empty! What? I was so sure that I had one strip of pills left and there are 4 in a strip of pills. What? How was this possible? Again, a bit of panic!

 Relax, breath, count to ten and focus on what to do. So I called my colleague but he did not have any and told me they were very hard to come by at the moment. He could not help me this time. Called another “vague friend” but he told me the same thing: hard to come by at the moment and could not help me. Well, panic increased. A lot!! There was not much time left until we were supposed to meet. Sweat outbreak.

I did not know what to do and so I rushed to the other side of town to find me a sex shop

And of course my fears became thru as they did not sell Viagra because it was illegal and you could only get it on a doctors prescription. So I bought all of kind of stuff that was supposed to increase  potency. From Spanish Fly to Peruvian jungle herbs and a wonder potion out of Thailand.

Do you think it helped me in anyway? Well? 

I hoped and hoped that the effects of the potions still had to “kick in”. Less then nothing!

 Shit, as we were sitting at her couch, watching TV while cuddling I had to change my tactics and I came up with this:

Honey, I am so fond of you and I don’t want to screw up anything by taking the next step to fast.  I believe that we can go for a long-term relationship and we have all the time that we want.

Do you think she liked that? Hell yeah!

Actually part of that was the truth but with my blue friend Viagra things would definitely not have gone like this. Everybody happy and I had found a new tactic for any future emergencies.

For years and years I have kept this up. Maybe even about 12 years.

But at some point in my life, probably because of all kinds of events that happened in my life, I became older (naturally) and wiser.  I started to doubt my own thoughts, acts and total way of living.

One day I took a Viagra while leaving my house and as I was driving to a new girlfriend nothing happened inside my pants. Kissing her inside her house and still nothing happened. There was nothing reaching out for heaven, it was pointing at hell! Oh dear God, what was happening?

As we were making love in bed all my thoughts were concerning my dick instead of enjoying her wonderful company. Get up – Get up! And the more I thought this way, the more it seemed to shrink. What if she went with her hands down there, which would be a major turnoff! So many thoughts of panic while I was doing one of the nicest things on the planet! Before she could go down on me I decided to go down on her. Don’t know if I was any good at  that because I had always been focused on myself, I guess.  At least one good thing came out of this disaster, me focusing on the other.

               

Next time I tried two pills ones with another lady, result: An enormous headache and vomiting, but still nothing more then a shrimp in the pants.

The soft voice in my head telling me that I was at a dead end with this lifestyle grew stronger but I had real problems letting go. Still new women in my life, again Viagra. Sometimes a little success, most of the time more suffering.

You can imagine the daily impact it had on my thoughts. And my thoughts had a great impact on the way I felt thus on my energy level and total life. There I was with my beautiful body and so much attention of nice women. For what? What was the use? I was a total failure!

At that point  I went for a long vacation abroad, on my own.  I did bring one strip of Viagra with me and at first there were more disasters with women in the first week. I started to look at the internet to find all kinds of cures for my problem. Enormous expensive roots of some Thai plant or testosterone injections seemed to help. These prices and possible side effects!!

Somehow  I found the strength to take my distance. Everyday  I sat down in the sun and wrote for hours about my feelings and life in general. Tried to clarify my mind and make some sense out of what was happening. 

Started to accept the situation and admitted that I had created this outcome myself. Me myself and I! For so many years I had put my trust in something outside myself, a pill. For so many years I had tried to be more then I really was. With listening to the voice of my ego instead of my soul I had maneuvered myself in a big mess.

To be honest, it had brought me a lot of relationships but never the one I wanted deep down inside. Quantity but no quality. To be philosophical, the inner battle that I always fought had manifested itself in my relationships with women. I had been the creator of the problems in my life!

My thoughts and attitude shifted to: it is what it is! Very annoying and even though I would have liked the situation to be 100% different, I will still be positive. If I can be positive in a situation like this, I can be positive in any situation. Let’s wait and see what good things this new attitude will bring me in a while! Because any situation, however bad it seems at first, if I deal with it strongly it always turns out for the good. That is a lesson I have already had to learn in my life.

What is left is the quiet honest boy I used to be, now in a somewhat older shell.  Somewhere further on the road to self acceptance, knowing he needs more lifetimes to get there.

With this insight I gained a lot more compassion for the “weaknesses” of others, for I have all human flaws inside myself.

Maybe my most valuable lesson: If I don’t listen to my soul, my inner counselor as I call him, the problems will stack so high until I will be forced to listen.

Now, with a much less troubled mind, I have a positive impact on my feelings – my energy – my life and therefore on the life’s of others!  Get rid of ego.

Lose the ego - laugh and learn

Lots of people, definitly myself included, never live up to their full potential because of a fragile ego. We don't have the courage to take on the real challenges of life or else we overcompensate our insecurities with drastic acts. These insecurities determine our thoughts thus our way of living and our talents and abilities never really develop. Listening to the insecure ego makes us more selfish, our own pleasure comes first.
I have this vision in which we try to let go of that ego, not taking ourself so serious. That together we lose our fears and learn to laugh about our "so-called" weaknesses that, to be honest, are a part of each of us!
That this blog will be a platform where we dare to share our life lessons so that we all can learn from eachother.
Those who judge the hardest on the "weaknesses" of others have the most problems letting go of their insecure ego. Let go of the ego and be proud of our talents that will definitly come to the surface. Unselfish we will use our talents for the sake of others. Together we will make the world a little better.

Nothing more bonding then making fun of our own stupidities, our weaknesses.

Sometimes a smile, sometimes a tear. Feeling save, not judging, no fear!

Stop the pursuit of physical beauty

Is it just my midlife crisis or am I finally starting to see things more clearly? Me being a Fitness Coach this might be a surprising message. I hope that after you have read my short story you want to give me your opinion! Also your feedback on the way I use the English language so I can improve, being from Holland.
Well, have fun!

What will happen if I park my car in a No Parking zone today? I will probably get a ticket!  But what does it mean when I still park my car in the same zone every day? That I am Fuc.... crazy!
Then crazy is what I am for repeating the same act over and over for many years and never getting what I realy wanted!
 Let me try to give you an explanation.

We live in a world were being handsome is looked upon as a great achievement and so many people pursuit the ultimate dream of physical beauty. Advertisement says your teeth can be whiter, your hair thicker, your body more muscular with a tan, your tits bigger, nose smaller, your lips fuller and while you are at it do your ass as well. And the list goes on and on. So much money is to get out of our insecurities that the industry will keep promoting this relentless pursuit.

Before I go on let me show you a picture of myself, a good one of course ;-). So you can see that I don't look like Brad Pitt (synonym for beauty) but there is not much wrong with me, is there? But have I ever realized that myself?

 First of all let me clarify one thing: if you think that I have inner peace and happyness because I look like this? Think again!

Instead of looking good, wouldn't feeling good be more important? I can give you some reasons why the pursuit of physical beauty stood in the way of what I actualy wanted the most. Feeling good about myself.

- It is never good enough. It is a pursuit of beauty thus I did focus on things that were not good about myself. I knew that I had a beautiful body but I always wanted less fat, more muscles. A smaller nose, thicker hair. Bigger cock haha. And when I looked at myself in the mirror or on a picture, I immediatly looked for the things that I did not like. And of course, search and you will find!

- Having a beautiful body did also make me want to keep it that way. A lot of my time, and even more important my thoughts, were occupied with just that. Workouts even when I didn't want to, a lot of guilty thoughts when I ate the stuff I "should not eat". Even stuff that is healthy for "normal" people. It held me back in developing other parts of my life. Parts were actually my real passion might be, now staying hidden under a thick layer of frightened ego.

- The paradox is that I always experience joy and happiness if I give good energy by helping others. Most of my time I was so busy with the pursuit of beauty, or any other pursuit of things I wanted to have, that I missed the best opportunity to feel great!

- I was very insecure and I hid my feelings behind my looks. Not showing my vulnerable side afraid that my ego would get hurt. But in vulnerability is exactly where the best opportunities are hidden to find great joy and bonding with other people. It did stand in the way of finding my great love! Still gotta learn this by the way ;-)

I think that it is very good to be physically and mentally fit and that you pay attention to your appearance. That way you take care of your health! But the pursuit of beauty did not bring me any inner peace thus it is not good for my health. Being healthy is so normal for most people that we seem to forget the importance of it. Most of the time, we in the western world live such good lifes and still we can make ourselves feel miserable because of what we have is never enough.

What works best for me is not taking myself to seriously and sometimes make jokes about my weaknesses. They were only weaknesses because I wanted too fulfill "the social standard". Thoughts that entered my head saying; I should have a smaller nose and I should have this or that... I stopped fighting them, just let them be there and smiled at them! Actualy smiling while sitting on my bike to work and a negative thougth entered my head. Welcomed it and laughed about myself, about these so-called weaknesses, that might even be my strength...

Like I said, maybe it is just my midlife crisis but I am thinking that happiness is already whitin myself. 

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